Friday, January 21, 2011

Change is Here

I finally decided i'm ready to begin this loc journey. for me and for no one else. its important for me to learn to stick to and stick with things i begin. i know that this is a major step and i am ready for it. now if only i stopped procrastinating in other areas of my life: school, work, career. I need to make more of an effort to exhibit my top shelfness.. lol as mom puts it. I want my locs to mean something. to be the beginning of something. and as they grow. i want to grow. haven't quite figured out what that must be.
~ currently shirley temple curl girl

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Myriad of Events

so i learned that there are certain codes in place that bind women to women, whether i know her or not.
some friendship s aren't worth keeping, just as much as some are definitely worth maintaining.
i believe in God's power and his ability to have His way sooner or later in our lives and His clever way of drawing us back in when we've been far out for sometime.
2011 must not be a year in which i chase after things that will not build me up. i must admit that half the time i spend calling and texting male interests is mainly because I'm bored and feel the urge to be amused, not because i believe that i'll get a long term positive response. its funny how we are sometimes a lot smarter than we let on, thus people treat us based on what we give off. instead analyzing a situation and thinking of all possibilities before i go in, i begin to do so after I'm already in the middle of it. now its not that I don't possess the power of discernment, but its that my discernment is always run over by the "Ok lets do it anyway" truck. exploration is good but i really don't need to go every place and touch, smell, taste, see everything in a place to know its no good. you just know sometimes.

Monday, December 13, 2010

cooler than a polar bear's toe nails

Thank Outkast n their track ATLiens for that title. I love them. Anyway so i recently learned that assholes DO exist. I been saying this all day to people. Recounting the story and laughing. I must say that a year ago my feelings might have been hurt. While I still have much about myself to work on, I know i'm "so fresh and so clean". This time i'd like to talk about the men that came at me with some crazy shit this year. In many cases I feel like I put myself right in front of the bus. I mean I was trying to be nice and understanding, and accepting. But.... I met alot of crazies. And learned alot. So this goes out to the drug dealer who lives on 33rd and Spring Garden by my job, who had the nerve to ask me why I never tried dating a drug dealer. Little did I know, that was going to happen to me. Cheers to the women who have made this kind of behavior acceptable all for material things in return. I honestly am never pressed for any man; at least not anymore. I haven't been completely enamored with anyone since High School. and even then finding a boy toy was just another conquest. Sadly i'm paying for that kind of thinking in my twenties, as I have turned into the prey. I hate to say it but ive slowly become a little jaded. No i'm not one of those women who will walk around talking mess about black men and how they ain't dis and ain't dat but my trust is slowly fading away. Though in my moments of deep thought I've realized that I have trust issues poking out from behind my relationship with daddy. So maybe I never trusted men in the first place. Whatever the case, this is not a good place. And homeboy last night did not help the situation. He did make me laugh though. Came in all smooth like he had just what I was looking for. Selling candy, as they say. I took the bait, although his face was a little scrunched, and mousey. Ha! I guess everyone, ale and female walks around like that though. It's confidence. It's saying to yourself i'll never know until I try to talk to that man or that woman over there. What do I have to lose? This slick talker was never looking for a girlfriend though. He was going through a sexual drought and was coming up to quench his thirst. Poor him. picked the wrong one for that and the right one for everything else. If he was looking for that. So yes. I am cooler than a polar bear's toe nails. And he will never know the half of it cause i wasn't selling the right flavor.

Friday, December 10, 2010

love

to be beautiful in love. to be bold in love. to grow in love. there are all kinds of love but this love i have stored up for another human being has become too painful. then one would ask: how is it love? i create my own suffering in this world based on what i feel rather than what i confess to believe. That God is love and His love is primary and the most important. I believe that this is my wilderness season. where knowing better is not enough. where doing better is essential to survival. to sanity. to joy. not happiness. i long to praise my father in dance the way i used to. but i've lived alot since then so theres no way it would be the same. in fact it would be better. i want to love him wholeheartedly and i want who He has for me to have this same passion. and when we share that passion, our love for each other would be magnified. i don't want what anyone else has. i want what's for me. and i can't get what's for me desiring someone else's blessing. i want my own. and God has it.

Monday, December 6, 2010

to whom much is given

I must always remember that to whom much is given, much is required. Though at times I may be a little insecure about what God has given me because it may not measure up with someone else's, much is relative. And every little bit or lot of bit that He has given me should be great in my eyes no matter what because my blessing is no one else's but my own. I struggle daily trying not to think about the things that I don't have; for example, my style would look so much better if i had X or it must be nice to have someone to go home to, to not have to worry about finding a lover, comforter and friend in man. I know it sounds silly for a believer to think this way, but I do sometimes. I forget all that I am and have comes from God. It is in these moments when I "check" myself, that I am reminded that grace and favor are the only things separating me from people I encounter in passing daily.
As I continue to come out of my shell in African dance. I remember in my heart that I was created to make His praise glorious in my body. I can only remember people commenting on how I gave it my all when I ministered unto Christ. In my heart, that is where I want to be.
If I don't become more proactive, the I will continue to feel like the world is passing me by.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

gotta get dis money

sooooo this is my first time blogging ever but it better help me. its the wee hrs of the morning after turkey day and im on the couch sipping sangria wit a headache n eyes burning. yeh i prob need some daggone sleep. im a mess yo. anywho Deltaman comes by for dinner in dis flashy new benz two door n i was just like yooooooo. i wish my priorities were jackd like his. Id b balin n flossin n watever else u wanna call it. <insert money getting slang term here> i love TCC but they drawling on how much they pay me. its crazy. i am not trying to get stuck there and thats looking too easy rite now esp since im so lazy to discover wat i wanna do. i need a second degree n more money. Might i suck it up and switch to the public school system?!? looking very possible. but then id be running from one thing that locks me down to another. not trying to stress the money thing but its always just enough. definitely not happy abt that.